A scene in which my fifty-year-old self yells at my eighteen-year-old self

 EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD GREGG sits on a park bench in Lake Zurich, scribbling furiously in a notebook. To his side, a portal opens, and FIFTY-YEAR-OLD GREGG (GJL) emerges. GJL walks over and stands face-to-face with GREGG.

GREGG: You!

GJL: (agreeing) Me. 

GREGG: You’ve come back in time? To talk to me? I would have figured you’d go back in time to kill Hitler or something noble. 

GJL: And I would have figured you’d learned by now you can’t write readable cursive worth a damn, so let’s call it even. 

GJL sits down on the bench next to GREGG. 

GJL: I'd do a selfie, if I thought it would trend. Get some upvotes on Reddit, maybe even go viral and score some serious scratch.

GREGG: I have no idea what the hell you just said.

GJL: Yeah. I suppose we should get the obvious out of the way first. 

GREGG: Yeah yeah, you’re going to tell me you can’t reveal anything that would alter destiny or the space-time continuum will rip apart and unmake reality as we know it. 

GJL: Either that, or it’ll wipe out the grunge music movement. Can’t have that. 

GREGG: Okay, so you've demonstrated future-me is hilarious.

GJL: I can tell you this much: we don't have robot butlers or flying cars, but they make good movies out of those comic books you like so much, and there are even some Star Wars sequels to look forward to.

GREGG: They're good, right?

GJL: You know, it's never come up. Also, stupidity is not only cool, but it even gets you political power; evolution and vaccine science are now up for debate; and we carry miniature computers in our pockets. We mostly use them to share videos of our pets and argue pointlessly with each other.

GREGG: That is not the future Popular Mechanics is talking about.

GJL: It's worse than you think. Sorry, guy. You'd like to believe your future  life has a script written by David Milch, with a soundtrack by Mike Post and a wardrobe by Armani? But it's really written by Mike Judge, with a wardrobe from the thrift store and a soundtrack by Creed.

GREGG: Creed? What's that supposed to--

GJL: It doesn't matter. There are triumphs and disappointments ahead. Guess you already knew that, though. Can't tell you much about those.

GREGG: So what can you tell me? 

GJL: What do you want to know? 

GREGG: Well, what kind of life am I living? Did I make it? 

GJL: “Make it”? Kid, you’ve already made it. You’re about to go to college in the fall and pursue your career. You’re going to meet people, read books, learn things, take on jobs, fall in love, start a life. You’re young now. You’re also stupid. Enjoy it while it lasts. 

GREGG: So when I’m older, I’m not stupid? 

GJL: I wouldn’t go that far. 

GREGG: Okay, so what, I have a great career? 

GJL: Mmm. You want to be a teacher, but that job is going to change drastically over the decades. If I were you, I’d go into computers, but you won’t. So start studying Stoicism now, figure out how to stop worrying about things you can't control. Also, give some thought about what you really want them to learn, besides how incredible literature is. That’ll come in handy later. 

GREGG: Am I any good as a teacher?

GJL: You don't totally suck.

GREGG: Why don't we leave it at that, then. Wait a second--you said I fall in love? 

GJL: All I’ll tell you is, you meet someone, she’s fantastic, don’t make it any harder than you do already. 

GREGG: Okay…

GJL: Remember that life is not a rock ballad. 

GREGG: (leering) You got any good pictures of her? 

GJL: (swats him across the head) Next. 

GREGG: I guess I'd like to know whether I'm healthy or not? Do I have money? 

GJL: You push your luck, but yes, you’re healthy. Mostly. You might want to do more cardio, strengthen your back muscles, stay away from any bad habits you might pick up. 

GREGG: Bad habits like…

GJL: Just keep going to the gym. You won’t, but still. 

GREGG: You know what, old man? There’s a tennis court fifty yards over there. We go three rounds, winner has to spill their guts to the loser about what stocks to invest in. 

GJL: Pass. 

GREGG: Well, what about Dad? My brother? My family? My friends? 

GJL: Dad and Bryan are alive and well. Others, you lose some of them over time. It happens, you know. 

GREGG: Who? Who do I lose? 

GJL: "Whom."

Pause. GREGG glares at GJL murderously.

GJL: Sorry. But do you really want to know? 

GREGG: …No. But can you tell me about the future? What kind of world will I be living in? I mean, who’s president when I’m fifty? 

GJL: (laughs) Oh kid, why don’t we just leave that one alone? 

GREGG: Well Jesus, you’re not helping. 

GJL: Neither are you. Right now, you know how dumb you are, and I can’t tell you how important and to your credit that is, but you’re not doing anything about it, are you? That stuff you’re writing, it may be good, it could be really good, but you have to keep at it. You have to put in the time and effort, and you’ve made a career out of not doing that. You learn one thing and then you use it well, but it never occurs to you to keep on learning. How many times can you reread Stephen King, for Christ’s sake? Why don’t you at least glance at the front page of a newspaper? There’s a lot to learn out there, and instead of being scared of it, you should be embracing it. So what’s stopping you? 

GREGG: You know damn well what’s stopping me. I just spent seventeen years being convinced I’m middle of the road in everything but one or two sparks of talent I may have, and I’ve also been told those talents won’t amount to a hill of beans in a competitive job market. In my family, if you’re not miserable, you’re not working hard enough. I’m being groomed to perform as a cog in the machine of capitalism that drives this country of ours. I’m a child of the Reagan years–I still believe in good and evil, and in sophomoric right wing values. I watched a loved one die an agonizing death and totally internalized my guilt and helplessness over it all. I completely sucked at being a teenager. 

GJL: You aren’t that hot at being young overall, you know. 

GREGG: Don’t I just. And now you’re telling me I’m going to shake all that off? Unlearn what I’ve learned and learn how to learn all over again? That's not on my fall schedule this year. It'll take some work.

GJL: I can’t deny any of that. Yes. It’ll be harder than anything you’ve ever done. 

GREGG: Does it all end well? Is there a happy ending? 

GJL: I wouldn’t know, kid. I’m still living it myself. But you don’t really believe in happy endings, do you? 

GREGG: I don’t believe in endings, period. One story concludes, another is already going. 

GJL: You’re right about that. The story doesn’t end even after we’re dead, you know. 

GREGG: What, you’re saying there’s an afterlife? 

GJL: I’m saying there’s a legacy. The people you meet, you leave an impression. Even if they don’t remember your name, or anything about you, you change them, just like you’re changed yourself. And the idea is to make these impressions and effects as positive a contribution as they can be. That means thinking things through, making good choices, thinking of others. You could do something for others. You're going to work with a lot of people. You'll be in a position to do some good. You’re not terrible at all this, but you could be a lot better. So could I. So could we all. 

GREGG: Okay. 

GJL: It’s never too late. Not even at my age. 

GREGG: I said okay. Man, if this is how you teach, it's a wonder you're even employed.

GJL: Now you're thinking.

GREGG: Any advice on how to be better?

GJL: Just start. All the cliches are true, you know. One day at a time. Better to begin badly than not at all. Make your choices, learn things, learn from people, learn from your mistakes, pick up, move on. As long as you’re moving forward, you’re doing something right. 

GREGG: You’re an English teacher, right? You don't totally suck at it, right? How about you give me a quote, a gobbet, a line of literary wisdom for me to take away after this? You’re old; you must know something by now. 

GJL: Okay, jackass, how about this? You ever hear of the bicycle theory? As long as you keep on pedaling, and pedaling fast, you won’t fall. 

GREGG: That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? 

GJL: Yeah. 

The two look at each other for a beat.

GREGG: Okay, that’s not bad. 

They're people.

 Why this isn't getting even more covereage and outrage, I don't fully understand, but there's a growing list of people detained by the U.S.--ICE, DHS, other federal authorities. They're being held, isolated, or expelled outright, often for spurious reasons. Sometimes for no immediate reasons. Sometimes even because of a screwup.

If they were "illegal aliens" or some alleged seedy underclass of benefits-stealers, they'd still be people. But they're here through legal means. And they're people. 

If they can do it to others, there's no reason they can't do it to us, too. 

• Kilmar Abrego Garcia, originally from El Salvador, living legally in the U.S. with a work permit. Deported by mistake with three other planes' worth of migrants. The government now says they have no legal authority to bring him back. They messed up, and they won't bring him back. 

• Alireza Doroudi, from Iran. PhD candidate studying mechanical engineering at the University of Alabama. Detained. 

• Rumeysa Ozturk, Turkish national. Doctoral student at Tufts. Detained. 

• An unnamed French science researcher. Texted things critical about the White House. Prevented from entering the U.S. 

• Mahmoud Khalil, lawful permanent resident with a green card. Arrested by federal agents. Accused of supporting Hamas when protesting for Palestinian human rights. No charges have been filed. 

• Badar Khan Suri, from India. Graduate student from Georgetown. Arrested for "spreading Hamas propaganda and promoting antisemitism" and having "close connections to a known or suspected terrorist," according to DHS. No trial as of yet. His deportation has been paused, as per judicial order. 

• Dr. Rasha Alawieh, from Lebanon, a Brown University doctor and H-1B visa holder. Detained. She traveled to Beirut for the funeral of a Hezbollah leader. 

• Jasmine Mooney, Canadian entrepreneur, seeking a visa. Detained at San Diego border. Held for two weeks with no explanation or warning. 

• Lucas Sielaff, from Germany, detained for two weeks. Answered a question about where he lived because of a language barrier while coming into the U.S. from Mexico. 

• Jessica Brosche, from Germany, detained for over six weeks, including eight days of solitary confinement. Border officers saw her tattoo equipment and assumed she was coming to the U.S. to work illegally. 

• Fabian Schmidt, from Germany, permanent U.S. resident. Detained after returning from a trip to Luxembourg. No explanation given by DHS. 

• Rebecca Burke, Welsh. Taking a trip to North America. Denied entry at the Canadian border, classified as an "illegal alien." 

--reporting from Axios and Reuters, the most current information I could find. 

Photo by Mitchel Lensink on Unsplash

SOTU Headlines Bingo Card

 I didn't watch the State of the Union last night. For all kinds of reasons. 

If I had watched it, I'd have played a drinking game or ten. "Shots When He Lies" wouldn't have gone well, since my tolerance is pretty low lately. Perhaps "Shots For Every Superlative" would have worked, or "Take a Drink When Republicans Cheer With Hypocrisy." I don't know. I'm not much of a drinking game type. 

The morning after the speech, however, as I comb the newspapers and grit my teeth over the coverage, gives plenty of opportunity for a Bingo game. A "Spot the Hot Take" Bingo Game. 

Here are the perspectives I anticipate seeing: 

• This Just Shows How Divided We Are. 
• They're Not Lies; They're Just Misleading
• Does Anyone Remember Decorum?
• Look, We Can't Possibly Fact Check All of This; Our Viewers Can Make Up Their Own Minds
• The President "Calls Out" Things (That May or May Not Be True)
• They're Not Lies; They're Exaggerations 
• This is all the Democrats' Fault
• He Laid Out an Ambitious Agenda, But Can He Deliver?
• Like Him or Not, He Does Have a Mandate
• If Liberals Hadn't Been So Obsessed With Pronouns...
• If We're Doomed No Matter What, What do You Care?
• ...Oh, Look At this Shiny Thing We'll Dangle In Front of You Instead!!!

The Chicago Tribune Editorial Board's Two-Tiered Justice System

 "To see what's in front of one's nose," wrote George Orwell, "needs a constant struggle," 

True. Very true. But sometimes, to not see it is even more of a struggle. 

Today's Opinion section of the Chicago Tribune (which some masochistic urge on my part leads me to read fairly regularly) has two editorials concerning the sentencing of politicians for crimes they've been convicted of. 

First, the Tribune expresses its outrage over the possibility that convicted ex-Senator Bob "Gold Bar" Menendez might get a "slap on the wrist" for his crimes of bribery (see editorial). Just like former Chicago Alderman Edward Burke, Menendez, thanks to a Supreme Court ruling on an Indiana mayor receiving "gratuities" rather than "bribes," might only get two years instead of the 30 years called for by Federal guidelines. 

Two years? That's "kid gloves." He should get thirty. So says the Editorial Board. 

Got that? Good. Now, right below that piece is one lauding Justice Juan Merchan on how he handled the sentencing of convicted felon Donald Trump, who's less than a week away from taking the oath of office (see other editorial). 

Trump, let us remember, is a felon, just like Menendez and Burke. He received 34 convictions last summer for covering up $130,000 in payments to Stormy Daniels in order to conceal his affair with her during the 2016 election. The minimum sentencing for such crimes is four years in prison, according to CBS News; Michael Cohen, let us remember, got 13 months. But since the Supreme Court essentially gave Trump immunity last summer, New York Justice Juan Merchan gave Trump no sentencing at all and wished him "Godspeed" on his second term. 

"Merchan and the justices reminded both citizen Trump and President-elect Trump that the laws of the land apply to him as they do every other American," the Board wrote without an apparent hint of irony. "No, they don't always apply equally, as the pragmatic Merchan clearly recognized when he declined to punish Trump for his crimes. But they do apply." 

No punishment at all? That's "just right." He shouldn't have gotten the four years. So says the Editorial Board. 

To be fair, the dollar amount in Menendez's case is considerably higher than the payout Trump was convicted of handing Daniels, and also involved favors to Egypt. But to be even fairer, a U.S. Senator ain't the President of the United States. 

So, to recap, job well done to a justice system that lets the most powerful politician off the hook entirely, and how dare the justice system not throw the book at anyone else? How could anyone think we've got different standards for justice in this country? Absurd. 

It's unnecessary to comment, but given the contrarian, Republican-defense-playing the Tribune and its readership engage in, further comment is undoubtedly to come. 

Right in front of our eyes...

Year in Review: 2024

 Train for a decathalon. 

Finish and self-publish my novel. 

Go vegan and crusade for the environment. 

These are just a few of the things I did not do in 2024. I also did not manage to stop my unhealthy habits of doomscrolling on my phone, huffing paint fumes and huffing paint fumes while doomscrolling on my phone. I don't anticipate 2025 being a good choice of years to cease such self destructive habits, either. But then again, we must always remember what Seneca and the Stoics used to say: "The obstacle is the way. Except when that obstacle is the collapse of democracy and the abandonment of any pretense of reality in our political discourse. Then, the obstacle is a bunch of bullshit." 

Last year, I famously denounced reading lists, resolution lists, anything that objectifies what should be the constant and ever-unattainable-yet-always-pursuable path towards excellence and self-improvemtn. I denounce it this year as well. 

That said, here are some titles of 2024 I'd like to throw in all your faces: 

The Message, by Ta-Neshi Coates, is a stirring, infuriating and thoughtful book about oppression and marginalization. Coates zeroes in on South Carolina and Senegal, but it's his commentary on Palestine and how Israel has created an apartheid state in Gaza that ruffled just the right feathers late this year. It's my pick for Books to Read About Palestine in 2024. It's also the only book I read about Palestine in 2024. So go read it. 

Then there was The Sequel by Jean Hanff Korelitz, a sequel to the equally engrossing The Plot. An engrossing anti-hero, a tightly constructed plot, this book was the best book of 2024 about a criminal bestselling author working desperately and furtively to cover her tracks and recreate her life. It's also the only such book published that I know of the entire year. So go read that too. 

I would also throw Frieda McFadden's The Teacher on this list. It starts out like a typical student-fools-around-with-teacher scandal, but it takes a suitable and enthralling number of twists and turns and winds up being something entirely different. I'm still trying to get my wife to read it. If you read it, maybe she will too. 

As far as film goes, Dune 2, Wicked and Nosferatu are some of the most critically acclaimed films of the year. I think they're probably well worth seeing. I also think I did not see a single one of them. I hate going to the theater these days. Years of Covid-inspired streaming sessions in my living room, with my dogs in my lap, has ruined me for the cineplex.. Instead of yelling at teenagers and summoning ushers about overly sticky floors, I've resorted to lounding on my sofa, yelling at the neighbors and fiddling nonstop with the lights. 

Longlegs, and A Quiet Place: Day One. I think they are excellent, disturbing in all the right places and well worth watching. I also think I actually saw both of them. 

As for next year, hey, if we even have a funcitoning society this time in 2025, we should count ourselves lucky. Go hug your loved ones, consume art, be kind to others and practice actual self-care, not commercial- or hedonistic-type self-care. Drink water. Pet dogs. Take me out for drinks. Whatever it takes to pull through all of this. If empathy and consideration are wrong...we as a country are so, so right. So let's be wrong instead. 

Happy New Year. Get off my lawn. I’m having your baby and I don’t remember where I parked. Thank you. 

I got scooped by John Oliver (thank God)

 I'd spent about a week balls-deep in the hellacious 900-page manifesto from The Heritage Foundation, Project 2025, outlining conservatives' plans for "the next conservative president." It's not a Team Trump document; they'd probably rather be giving these marching orders to someone like Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz, but it's definitely the playbook the GOP's front runner/convicted felon would be handed upon reentry to the White House in January. 

It's grim reading. They want to eliminate protections for trans people--if not trans people themselves--and they want to get rid of Congressional oversight over appointees and executive action when possible. They rail constantly against "wokeism" and "climate change alarmism." They want more fossil fuels. They want to axe the Department of Education; they want to slash funding for the Environmental Protection Agency. They want lower taxes (of course). They want to merge Immigration and Customs Enforcement--which they want to use to deport as many undocumented people as possible--with other branches of Immigration which work with new citizens--there's more than a whiff of totalitarianism there. They want to consolidate or eliminate outright departments and governing agencies, and they want to ensure everyone respects the president's vision upon taking up their duties. You should see my marginalia. A lot of angrily-scrawled highlighting, "WTF" notations in the margins and chapter summaries consisting of such thoughtful commentary as "Are you fucking kidding me?" and "Where do these people come up with this crap???" 

I mean, I could go on for pages about all this, but when Last Week Tonight covered the document Sunday, that sort of pulled the rug out from under me.

John Oliver devoted about a half hour to explaining the potential damages a second Trump term would mean for the country, and Project 2025 is the bedrock of his analysis. 

My first response to learning he'd scooped me, of course, was less than poetic. When a friend of mine to whom I'd been railing about the document for days found out about Oliver covering it, this was my reaction: 

But then again, it's something of a relief. I can put aside the notes, fact checking and dent in my desk from bashing my head against it. No small relief, that. 

Although Oliver covered the project as well as could be expected, there's simply too much in it for anyone to cover in detail. Basically, this document is trying to enable a second Trump administration to carry out is a much more serious threat. Since neither Trump nor any of his staff believed he would win in 2016, they were utterly flat-footed upon taking up power in 2017, a mistake they shan't repeat this time around. This document has reams of eye-glazingly-boring material concerning the restructuring they'd like to see happen, except once you recognize what they're after, it's horrifying. 

And their reasoning to get there? Maddening. My least favorite thing about the document is its incredibly lousy sourcing. One brief example: they claim that "The Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA) is a DHS component that the Left has weaponized to censor speech and affect elections at the expense of securing the cyber domain and critical infrastructure, which are threatened daily." 

Quite a claim. And for evidence, their proof is that "Elon Musk said so." You can't get more rigorous than that. 

Such claims can be fact checked, of course, and proved to be nonsense by a literate 10th grader. I encourage everyone to download a copy off their website (do not give them any money) and have at it. There is no better way to feed one's self-righteousness than, for example, reading a book by a foundation that believes civil servants should be screened for obesity and given IQ tests indicating high-level intelligence, all while throwing their weight behind a candidate who ticks exactly none of those boxes. 

Seriously, at least read coverage of the document. Because whatever happens in November, it won't end there. 

Unhappily, Project 2025 reminds us how good the right is at the long game. Look how they captured the Supreme Court. Look how they're working on claiming executive power and disempowering the marginalized. Even if Trump loses, they'll continue with their work, and they'll likely get their way. Let's not forget that the Heritage Foundation has been putting together documents like this for decades. Under Reagan, they produced 1,600 pages of planning and vision, which they largely achieved, to the ruin of us all. Under President George W. Bush, their advice only ran less than 200 pages, because they'd gotten most of what they wanted. 

And if it doesn't go their way, they can erase history. The Heritage Foundation was the "think" tank behind an early incarnation of Republican-envisioned government-run health care, what we used to call Romneycare and which morphed into what we called Obamacare and which now the Heritage Foundation despises and insists it had nothing to do with. When, for example, they prioritize choice in education over actual education theory, and when it fails to produce results (as it has all along), they'll rewrite that history as well. They'll rewrite it even better than they do their history of the Civil War. 

We could, I suppose, press defenders of these policies to back up their wish list with logic. They suck at it tremendously. In a lukewarm defense of the document, Heritage Foundation Assistant Director Spencer Chretien offered this billet doux to the project's critics in an interview last fall: 

"...if you think there's no waste in the government, if you appreciate the fact that we have this unelected, unaccountable fourth branch of government, the administrative state...if you think it's true that 99 percent of career federal employees are currently doing a fully satisfactory job or better...well, then Project 2025 is not for you." 

So you want to improve government by giving yourself your very own administrative deep state? So the best you can give me for justification is an either/or fallacious choice that wouldn't pass muster in a remedial composition course? My goodness. I've seen the light, and it's a ten-watt bulb.

At this point, as I've said before, there's no way to convert these particular cult members. They're after the very concept of democracy, and while I'd be delighted to see an opposition party up to the fight, let's face it, it just ain't there. It's up to us. 

Immigration lawyer Matt Cameron, in a March episode of Opening Arguments, walked through much of Project 2025's horrifying aspects, but he ended on a note of hope: 

"I could yell for hours about this, but I don't think it's fruitful because it's the same thing over and over. We cannot let this happen. No amount of complaints about like, well, but shouldn't we get a better candidate? Yeah, no, we should. Absolutely, all that's true. Doesn't matter. There's one way at a time, at a given time, there's one way to not let this happen. And whatever that is, you need to do it. It's just as simple as that. That's right. Whatever stage we're at. It just doesn't have to happen, and you can stop it.”

Okay, then. Let's get to it.