A scene in which my fifty-year-old self yells at my eighteen-year-old self

 EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD GREGG sits on a park bench in Lake Zurich, scribbling furiously in a notebook. To his side, a portal opens, and FIFTY-YEAR-OLD GREGG (GJL) emerges. GJL walks over and stands face-to-face with GREGG.

GREGG: You!

GJL: (agreeing) Me. 

GREGG: You’ve come back in time? To talk to me? I would have figured you’d go back in time to kill Hitler or something noble. 

GJL: And I would have figured you’d learned by now you can’t write readable cursive worth a damn, so let’s call it even. 

GJL sits down on the bench next to GREGG. 

GJL: I'd do a selfie, if I thought it would trend. Get some upvotes on Reddit, maybe even go viral and score some serious scratch.

GREGG: I have no idea what the hell you just said.

GJL: Yeah. I suppose we should get the obvious out of the way first. 

GREGG: Yeah yeah, you’re going to tell me you can’t reveal anything that would alter destiny or the space-time continuum will rip apart and unmake reality as we know it. 

GJL: Either that, or it’ll wipe out the grunge music movement. Can’t have that. 

GREGG: Okay, so you've demonstrated future-me is hilarious.

GJL: I can tell you this much: we don't have robot butlers or flying cars, but they make good movies out of those comic books you like so much, and there are even some Star Wars sequels to look forward to.

GREGG: They're good, right?

GJL: You know, it's never come up. Also, stupidity is not only cool, but it even gets you political power; evolution and vaccine science are now up for debate; and we carry miniature computers in our pockets. We mostly use them to share videos of our pets and argue pointlessly with each other.

GREGG: That is not the future Popular Mechanics is talking about.

GJL: It's worse than you think. Sorry, guy. You'd like to believe your future  life has a script written by David Milch, with a soundtrack by Mike Post and a wardrobe by Armani? But it's really written by Mike Judge, with a wardrobe from the thrift store and a soundtrack by Creed.

GREGG: Creed? What's that supposed to--

GJL: It doesn't matter. There are triumphs and disappointments ahead. Guess you already knew that, though. Can't tell you much about those.

GREGG: So what can you tell me? 

GJL: What do you want to know? 

GREGG: Well, what kind of life am I living? Did I make it? 

GJL: “Make it”? Kid, you’ve already made it. You’re about to go to college in the fall and pursue your career. You’re going to meet people, read books, learn things, take on jobs, fall in love, start a life. You’re young now. You’re also stupid. Enjoy it while it lasts. 

GREGG: So when I’m older, I’m not stupid? 

GJL: I wouldn’t go that far. 

GREGG: Okay, so what, I have a great career? 

GJL: Mmm. You want to be a teacher, but that job is going to change drastically over the decades. If I were you, I’d go into computers, but you won’t. So start studying Stoicism now, figure out how to stop worrying about things you can't control. Also, give some thought about what you really want them to learn, besides how incredible literature is. That’ll come in handy later. 

GREGG: Am I any good as a teacher?

GJL: You don't totally suck.

GREGG: Why don't we leave it at that, then. Wait a second--you said I fall in love? 

GJL: All I’ll tell you is, you meet someone, she’s fantastic, don’t make it any harder than you do already. 

GREGG: Okay…

GJL: Remember that life is not a rock ballad. 

GREGG: (leering) You got any good pictures of her? 

GJL: (swats him across the head) Next. 

GREGG: I guess I'd like to know whether I'm healthy or not? Do I have money? 

GJL: You push your luck, but yes, you’re healthy. Mostly. You might want to do more cardio, strengthen your back muscles, stay away from any bad habits you might pick up. 

GREGG: Bad habits like…

GJL: Just keep going to the gym. You won’t, but still. 

GREGG: You know what, old man? There’s a tennis court fifty yards over there. We go three rounds, winner has to spill their guts to the loser about what stocks to invest in. 

GJL: Pass. 

GREGG: Well, what about Dad? My brother? My family? My friends? 

GJL: Dad and Bryan are alive and well. Others, you lose some of them over time. It happens, you know. 

GREGG: Who? Who do I lose? 

GJL: "Whom."

Pause. GREGG glares at GJL murderously.

GJL: Sorry. But do you really want to know? 

GREGG: …No. But can you tell me about the future? What kind of world will I be living in? I mean, who’s president when I’m fifty? 

GJL: (laughs) Oh kid, why don’t we just leave that one alone? 

GREGG: Well Jesus, you’re not helping. 

GJL: Neither are you. Right now, you know how dumb you are, and I can’t tell you how important and to your credit that is, but you’re not doing anything about it, are you? That stuff you’re writing, it may be good, it could be really good, but you have to keep at it. You have to put in the time and effort, and you’ve made a career out of not doing that. You learn one thing and then you use it well, but it never occurs to you to keep on learning. How many times can you reread Stephen King, for Christ’s sake? Why don’t you at least glance at the front page of a newspaper? There’s a lot to learn out there, and instead of being scared of it, you should be embracing it. So what’s stopping you? 

GREGG: You know damn well what’s stopping me. I just spent seventeen years being convinced I’m middle of the road in everything but one or two sparks of talent I may have, and I’ve also been told those talents won’t amount to a hill of beans in a competitive job market. In my family, if you’re not miserable, you’re not working hard enough. I’m being groomed to perform as a cog in the machine of capitalism that drives this country of ours. I’m a child of the Reagan years–I still believe in good and evil, and in sophomoric right wing values. I watched a loved one die an agonizing death and totally internalized my guilt and helplessness over it all. I completely sucked at being a teenager. 

GJL: You aren’t that hot at being young overall, you know. 

GREGG: Don’t I just. And now you’re telling me I’m going to shake all that off? Unlearn what I’ve learned and learn how to learn all over again? That's not on my fall schedule this year. It'll take some work.

GJL: I can’t deny any of that. Yes. It’ll be harder than anything you’ve ever done. 

GREGG: Does it all end well? Is there a happy ending? 

GJL: I wouldn’t know, kid. I’m still living it myself. But you don’t really believe in happy endings, do you? 

GREGG: I don’t believe in endings, period. One story concludes, another is already going. 

GJL: You’re right about that. The story doesn’t end even after we’re dead, you know. 

GREGG: What, you’re saying there’s an afterlife? 

GJL: I’m saying there’s a legacy. The people you meet, you leave an impression. Even if they don’t remember your name, or anything about you, you change them, just like you’re changed yourself. And the idea is to make these impressions and effects as positive a contribution as they can be. That means thinking things through, making good choices, thinking of others. You could do something for others. You're going to work with a lot of people. You'll be in a position to do some good. You’re not terrible at all this, but you could be a lot better. So could I. So could we all. 

GREGG: Okay. 

GJL: It’s never too late. Not even at my age. 

GREGG: I said okay. Man, if this is how you teach, it's a wonder you're even employed.

GJL: Now you're thinking.

GREGG: Any advice on how to be better?

GJL: Just start. All the cliches are true, you know. One day at a time. Better to begin badly than not at all. Make your choices, learn things, learn from people, learn from your mistakes, pick up, move on. As long as you’re moving forward, you’re doing something right. 

GREGG: You’re an English teacher, right? You don't totally suck at it, right? How about you give me a quote, a gobbet, a line of literary wisdom for me to take away after this? You’re old; you must know something by now. 

GJL: Okay, jackass, how about this? You ever hear of the bicycle theory? As long as you keep on pedaling, and pedaling fast, you won’t fall. 

GREGG: That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? 

GJL: Yeah. 

The two look at each other for a beat.

GREGG: Okay, that’s not bad.