This past semester, I kept a record of responses to directions, statements of fact and other utterances given to my British Lit and Composition classes. While we did get into some approaching-depth-type discussions, there were also quite a few doozies--non sequiters and otherwise notable statements. I have collated the most frequent of them below—in order to make the list, some semblance of the statement had to have been said three times or more in response to the listed situation.
Like last year, I feel the need to stress that these are not invented or fictionalized in any way. These are my children. My students. My classes.
My God.
Anyway, Happy Holidays.
Things typically said the first five minutes before class
“Do we need our book today?”
"What are we doing today?"
“When is the essay due?”
"I forgot my book."
"When is class over?"
"Will this be on the test?"
"What's a Homework Pass?"
Things most often said in response to a direct question
"I wasn't sleeping."
"What?"
Things most often said upon second request for response to direct question
"Am I exempt from the final?"
Response from student in Seat 17 when greeted with a "Good morning"
"I think this carpet is lame."
Things said during our study of Francis Bacon
"His name is Bacon? That's stupid."
"I'm sorry, but seriously...Bacon?"
Conversations most often had when discussing a student's tardy problem
"I'm not tardy."
“You can’t mark me tardy.”
"How many tardies do I have, anyway?"
"Whoah..."
"Then I wasn't tardy."
Things most often said upon perusal of the day's schedule
"Are we watching a movie today?"
"Do we have a fire drill today?"
"Do we have a quiz today?"
"Are we reading about the Vietnam War today?" (I did mention this was a British Lit class, right?)
"Is today your birthday?"
"Wow! Happy Birthday!"
"It's not your birthday?"
"Why did you say today was your birthday?"
"What is today?"
Answers I got to the question, "Why doesn't Hamlet immediately kill his uncle?"
"Let's look this play up on Youtube."
"I lost my textbook. Can I have yours?"
"I want to go home."
Things said when studying Elizabeth I, the Virgin Queen
"Virgin? Heh hehehheh..."
"Why did they call her that?"
"Heh hehheh...Virgin…"
Things said concerning bathroom requests
"Can I go to the bathroom?"
"Hey, can I go to the bathroom?"
"This time, I really do need to go to the bathroom."
"I NEVER ask to go to the bathroom. So...can I go to the bathroom?"
"Do you have any more tissue? No? Then can I go to the bathroom?"
"Where is the bathroom?"
Concerning the last five minutes of class, especially before lunch
"I like Jersey Shore."
"How much longer to lunch?"
"Can I go to lunch early?"
"Do you have fifty cents I can borrow?"
"Did you get a haircut?"
"Why don't you get a haircut?" (Okay, this one is a fair question.)
Things said on days when the weather is moderately drizzly
"Do you think they'll cancel school because of the wind?"
"Do you think they'll cancel school because of the rain?"
"Do you think they'll ever cancel school?"
"Shit, they never cancel school. It's so unfair."
Things a student in Seat 11 said on November 4, when asked to take his book out
"Look, I can wrap this book completely around my pencil! Watch!"
"I need a new book."
Things said upon a request for students to get their books out and turn to page 73
"You never said we needed our books today."
"What page are we on?"
"What page?"
"You never said what page we're on."
"I still don't know what page we're on. I give up."
"Do these books even have pages?"
