Inspirational Quotes for the Class of 2011

Today is the senior picnic. Administration told me to cover it as a news story. I laughed in their faces and wrote this instead, to be published next week.

Over the years, a lot of things are said to young students about to leave school and embark upon a lifelong journey of learning and growing in the real world. It would be near-futile to try to capture two thousand years-plus of wisdom and boil it down to a 300-word article. But I’ve done it anyway.

“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” Francis Bacon.
This philosopher/humanist of the Renaissance was undoubtedly trying to say that whatever we accomplish in life is determined more by our own individual will rather than circumstance. And those are inspiring words to live by. Of course, this is the guy who caught pneumonia trying to freeze a chicken in the snow and subsequently died, but he was on to something. We make our own way in the world. As long as we remember to wear a winter coat. Or come in from out of the cold and warm up. Or, you know, not die freezing chickens.

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” Henry Ford.
Now here’s a maxim we can all adapt. Anyone who ever had aspirations can’t be daunted by anything, but rather focus on what can be done to make them happen. Especially a guy like Ford. Eliminating bathroom breaks and forbidding loud conversation in the lunch room enabled him to build 10,000 cars a day in his manufacturing plant and find himself time for his true life’s goal: publishing anti-Semitic newspaper articles in the Dearborn Independent.

“Courage is the price the world exacts for peace of mind.” Amelia Earhart.
Totally a fair point. In order to stand for what you believe in, you can’t wait for convenience, and you can’t be beholden to the opinions of others. It takes a lot of courage to uphold one’s convictions. Earhart wasn’t afraid of tackling the odds and attempting to circumnavigate the globe in an airplane. And she…oh yeah...

“Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.” Jedi Master Yoda.
The little guy could fight pretty good, after all. Okay, I’m going with this one.

So out of those two millenia of learning, wisdom, accomplishment and industry we’ve got, what, one wrinkled green hand puppet who’s worth listening to? Yeah, that sounds about right. So long, losers.

My Seniors' Moments--Best of Fall, 2010

This past semester, I kept a record of responses to directions, statements of fact and other utterances given to my British Lit and Composition classes. While we did get into some approaching-depth-type discussions, there were also quite a few doozies--non sequiters and otherwise notable statements. I have collated the most frequent of them below—in order to make the list, some semblance of the statement had to have been said three times or more in response to the listed situation.

Like last year, I feel the need to stress that these are not invented or fictionalized in any way. These are my children. My students. My classes.

My God.

Anyway, Happy Holidays.

Things typically said the first five minutes before class

“Do we need our book today?”
"What are we doing today?"
“When is the essay due?”
"I forgot my book."
"When is class over?"
"Will this be on the test?"
"What's a Homework Pass?"

Things most often said in response to a direct question

"I wasn't sleeping."
"What?"

Things most often said upon second request for response to direct question

"Am I exempt from the final?"

Response from student in Seat 17 when greeted with a "Good morning"

"I think this carpet is lame."

Things said during our study of Francis Bacon

"His name is Bacon? That's stupid."
"I'm sorry, but seriously...Bacon?"

Conversations most often had when discussing a student's tardy problem

"I'm not tardy."
“You can’t mark me tardy.”
"How many tardies do I have, anyway?"
"Whoah..."
"Then I wasn't tardy."

Things most often said upon perusal of the day's schedule

"Are we watching a movie today?"
"Do we have a fire drill today?"
"Do we have a quiz today?"
"Are we reading about the Vietnam War today?" (I did mention this was a British Lit class, right?)
"Is today your birthday?"
"Wow! Happy Birthday!"
"It's not your birthday?"
"Why did you say today was your birthday?"
"What is today?"

Answers I got to the question, "Why doesn't Hamlet immediately kill his uncle?"

"Let's look this play up on Youtube."
"I lost my textbook. Can I have yours?"
"I want to go home."

Things said when studying Elizabeth I, the Virgin Queen

"Virgin? Heh hehehheh..."
"Why did they call her that?"
"Heh hehheh...Virgin…"

Things said concerning bathroom requests

"Can I go to the bathroom?"
"Hey, can I go to the bathroom?"
"This time, I really do need to go to the bathroom."
"I NEVER ask to go to the bathroom. So...can I go to the bathroom?"
"Do you have any more tissue? No? Then can I go to the bathroom?"
"Where is the bathroom?"

Concerning the last five minutes of class, especially before lunch

"I like Jersey Shore."
"How much longer to lunch?"
"Can I go to lunch early?"
"Do you have fifty cents I can borrow?"
"Did you get a haircut?"
"Why don't you get a haircut?" (Okay, this one is a fair question.)

Things said on days when the weather is moderately drizzly

"Do you think they'll cancel school because of the wind?"
"Do you think they'll cancel school because of the rain?"
"Do you think they'll ever cancel school?"
"Shit, they never cancel school. It's so unfair."

Things a student in Seat 11 said on November 4, when asked to take his book out

"Look, I can wrap this book completely around my pencil! Watch!"
"I need a new book."

Things said upon a request for students to get their books out and turn to page 73

"You never said we needed our books today."
"What page are we on?"
"What page?"
"You never said what page we're on."
"I still don't know what page we're on. I give up."
"Do these books even have pages?"

The True Identity of William Shakespeare: William Shakespeare!

After digging through the Folgers Library for several booze-soaked hours, Hypsos has managed to unearth definitive proof that William Shakespeare's plays were written by none other than the Stratford-on-Avon resident himself. All evidence is primary, retrieved from the vault collection and totally out of your hands, so nyah nyah.

In Titus Andronicus, the protagonist grinds two of his enemies into a paste and feeds them to their mother. This is how young Bill Shakespeare was fed by his father while growing up in Stratford.

Nowhere in any of the plays does the text read, "I am really Sir Francis Bacon."

Shakespeare does extensive commentary on the Thames Shakespeare DVD collection. In it, he chain-smokes and reminisces about "that jerkface Lewis Hallam."

In 1976, the House Select Committee on Assasinations ruled that President John F. Kennedy's death was "probably the result of a conspiracy." They also ruled that the plays of William Shakespeare were "probably the result of Shakespeare writing them."

English professor Michael Delahoyde conceded that there was a "reasonable doubt" as to Shakespeare's true identity, as quoted by Time Magazine in 2007. However, when schoolyard bully Giles Cyzak twisted his arm behind his back, Delahoyde also admitted that it might all be hooey. (Delahoyde, upon getting his face shoved in the dirt, further admitted that he likes to kiss boys on the mouth and that he's a big fat stupidhead.)