Rejected Leson Plan #418: Writing "Objectively"

Goal: Student journalists are entering a world of dizzying swaths of information, with minimal readership interest. The people have spoken: they want to be entertained. So, students need to understand the difference between being objective, and being "objective."

Activity: Pull three front-page news stories from today's paper. Here are three from today's Arizona Republic:

• Army removes berets from military uniforms--After 10 years of complaints, the Army is all but ditching the black-wool beret and allowing soldiers to go back to the old brimmed patrol cap for their everyday duties.
• AZ Valley used car prices inducing sticker shock--Buyers searching for a late-model, fuel-efficient used car in metro Phoenix will experience an unfamiliar sensation: sticker shock.
• Arizona's jobless benefits continue to erode--While the state's unemployment rate remains stubbornly stuck above 9 percent, the safety net for out-of-work Arizonans appears to be unraveling.

Start reading the stories. Make a note at the point in the story where you passed out due to sheer boredom.

Now, think how much more exhilarating reading these stories would have been if you'd done your job and entertained your readers in addition to informing them:

• Army removes berets from military uniforms--The military-industrial-complex ass-clowns are ditching fashionable headwear in order to mask their barbarity and make sure nobody confused them with effete poets and the French. If anything, they haven't gone far enough. They should have outlawed scarves too. 
• AZ Valley used car prices inducing sticker shock--Those stickers are an infringement upon our civil liberties. Not to mention seat belts and air bags. And what's all this crap I'm hearing about shatterproof windshields? When did we move to the United States of Socialist Safety First (USSSF)?
• Arizona's jobless benefits continue to erode--Those clowns in the state capitol are at it again. What a bunch of clowns.

Yes, it's a very subtle difference in style and substance, but if you look closely, you'll see that the second batch of leads tries to club the reader over the head with an opinion stick. That's what journalism is turning into. Stop crying. Just embrace it. 

Assessment: Here are your story assignments for this journalism class. Keep your writing "objective" and remember who's grading it.

• Overall curricular standards for the district have been tightened to accentuate student responsibility and teacher accountability. Distinguish between the teachers who require remediation and your journalism teacher.
• The new English department budget is lower than last year's. Explain how it will make your saintly, benevolent journalism teacher's job even harder.
• Am I a prodigy, or just brilliant?

This is print media. It's now obsolete. So is objectivity.