If I could approach the Educational Testing Service
and submit a question of my own
it might look something like this:
"If 3 hrs and 21 minutes of watching sophomores fill in bubbles
equals
x amount of drinks consumed that evening
over y hours of classroom instruction lost
plus z brain cells destroyed reciting commercial jingles to pass the time,
then solve for x, y and z."
"The Gift of the Gods"
What a glorious invention, the bubble answer sheet!
What infinite possibilities, what a flint
To ignite the fuel in the adolescent's mind!
It is the fire Prometheus stole from the gods
(as long as that fire adheres to Illinois Literary Standards...)
"No Stopwatches Will Be Given to Test Proctors, So Use the Clock"
8:50, I'm told. I have to tell them
"Five more minutes left" at 8:50.
They require a five-minute warning
(as per guidelines on the second page of my Instructor's Handbook)
so they can pace themselves
and finish their English test within the 45 minutes
they were allowed.
The five-minute warning comes at 8:50.
It's 8:30 now, so 20 more minutes
until I tell them 5 more minutes
at 8:50.Those 45 minutes
started at 8:10,
and 8:10 plus 45 is 55,
so the five minute warning has to come at 8:50.
Only now it's 8:31,
so actually I have 19 minutes left
until there are 5 minutes left
until 8:50, when the 45-minute test is over.
Somebody shoot me.
"Retort to anyone Waiting for Superman"
And whoever says reform requires still more objective, sustained measurement
Ensures my boot in their open, honest, utterly idiotic face.
"Proctor Sonnet #1"
Those heads bent towards their desks, in silent rows;
Their pencils raised, a nice "F.U." to me,
The proctor, sitting there bewildered, bored,
with bladder throbbing with the school's coffee.
Lily in the front row sharpens now
her second pencil in as many tests,
The hockey game last night stamped on her brow,
Her squint a testament to her best guess.
And Paul, in back, has turned his test in there.
I thought he blew it off, but he's not dull--
He occupies his time now with a stare
Designed to burn a hole right through my skull.
"Try harder, Paul!" I tell him mentally;
"It'd be a favor--we'd make AYP!"
"Lines scribbled while waiting for replacement exams after finding half the class had tests marked up by previous students"
They tell you, Be prepared!
They tell you, Plan ahead.
I told them that my tests
Were all marked up in red.
I said, Security
Has been quite compromised.
They told me, Plan ahead
(for our screwup) next time.
"An Appeal"
Dear student: When you look up and see me
looking at you
I'm not really checking your work or anything,
just thinking of beer.
Don't worry. Just smile. Go back to work.
I'm fine. Relax.
