So you're going to write a news story. Congratulations! You've just entered the fabulous, engaging world of print and multimedia journalism. Of course, you need sources for credibility, photos, a gripping lead and lots and lots of facts for your attentive audience. Just follow this handy guide to writing your piece and you can't go far wrong.
- Decide on topic and focus. What do you want your audience to know? Do you know it already? Can you just yell it at them? If so, you might want to hook up with your local cable news talk show studio. If not, you'll need to find experts to tell you what you don't know, so you can tell it back to your audience as if you always knew it and they're just stupid.
- Make list of possible sources. You'll probably go to the Internet for this. If the people you find only go by some kind of handle rather than a real name, those are your first choices.
- Consult list carefully. Have you left anyone out? Look at phone and think about calling them. Spend at least twenty minutes doing this, then go get a Coke. If you smoke, it's time to light up.
- Get talked to by your editor for not starting your actual reporting. Look at list once more. Try to figure out which one will be the least mean to you for asking them questions like "Why is your company destroying the environment?" and "Is it true you drink children's blood for sustenance?"
- Go to the bathroom. Hide for ten minutes. Daydream about where you want to go for lunch.
- Look at list once more. Are you sure you haven't left anyone out? Go back to the Internet. Maybe check on Aston Kutcher's Tweets and see if he's doing anything cool right now.
- Get yelled at by editor to start your story already. Retreat to remote corner of the building and weep bitterly. Call everyone you know on your cell and complain about how hard you're working.
- Go back to editor and ask, "My sources are all the way across town. What kind of expense account do I have for motorized segways?"
- At this point, you've probably been fired. Get on Craigslist and see who's hiring.
