The Long clan has red blood running through its red blood's veins!. That's how fearless, brave and courageous we are. (We are also verbose, logorrheic, and wordy.) So to give you open-mouthed mouth breathers a taste of what it truly means to walk this planet as a god, I've deigned to share a few entries from my great-grandfather Ulysses Testiculus Long's private journal, kept while the old gentleman was foraging for a life in the New Country, stolen from his bedside table by my second cousin Zeke Long during one of the old fart's court-mandated naps.
November 8, 1872
BOSTON CITY STREETS--Today was wretched. Damned town has not a decent hooker in sight. I've been up and down the wharfs all evening and am seriously considering switching political parties, as it seems all but ensured that this pantywaist Grant is going to win the election. I understand Greeley is not doing well and is not expected to survive until the ballots are cast. Fie on him! Being dead only makes him more qualified for the job. I shall now go and have a cigarette whilst reclining on this large pile of dry hay and woodchips.
August 26, 1883
THE ISLAND OF KRAKATOA--Today was even more wretched than my last entry. Despite what I've heard about the lovely lands of Sumatra, the women most emphatically do not remove all their clothes at the sight of an American. That must be because they are stupid. Meanwhile, back at home, I hear those morons in Brooklyn almost crushed the bridge running across it to catch a glimpse of the bridge being built. As if anyone would want to go to Brooklyn. Morons. Damned Brooklyn morons. I shall now go relax on the side of this strangely noisy mountain, grateful that it's not Brooklyn.
February 22, 1903
GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA--Today, our moron president Theodore "Look at Me, I Like to Shoot Guns" Roosevelt signed a lease on this worthless hunk of rock. Roosevelt has declared that the land will be there for military endeavors, but he's said nothing about crushing those worthless Cubans, and he's said absolutely nothing about establishing a secret military torture system. I don't know why I voted for the man. He can't even see right without those stupid glasses. Ugh. Roosevelt. He makes me want to go throttle a Cuban. I shall now go take a look at this completely useless portion of land and find a local Cuban. To throttle.
October 29, 1929
WALL STREET, NEW YORK CITY--My moron stockbrokers are refusing to return my calls. I've even seen some of them jumping out the window, rather than take the trouble to return the legal pads I loaned them the last time I was there discussing my portfolio. This country is going straight to Hell. I'm only sad that I keep living to see such behavior. I shall now go and buy $100,000 worth of agricultural subsidies, on credit. Thank God I remain rich, and therefore superior.
October 30, 1929
BROOKLYN, IN MY NEW FLOPHOUSE APARTMENT--Damn it all to hell...
