The True Identity of William Shakespeare: William Shakespeare!

After digging through the Folgers Library for several booze-soaked hours, Hypsos has managed to unearth definitive proof that William Shakespeare's plays were written by none other than the Stratford-on-Avon resident himself. All evidence is primary, retrieved from the vault collection and totally out of your hands, so nyah nyah.

In Titus Andronicus, the protagonist grinds two of his enemies into a paste and feeds them to their mother. This is how young Bill Shakespeare was fed by his father while growing up in Stratford.

Nowhere in any of the plays does the text read, "I am really Sir Francis Bacon."

Shakespeare does extensive commentary on the Thames Shakespeare DVD collection. In it, he chain-smokes and reminisces about "that jerkface Lewis Hallam."

In 1976, the House Select Committee on Assasinations ruled that President John F. Kennedy's death was "probably the result of a conspiracy." They also ruled that the plays of William Shakespeare were "probably the result of Shakespeare writing them."

English professor Michael Delahoyde conceded that there was a "reasonable doubt" as to Shakespeare's true identity, as quoted by Time Magazine in 2007. However, when schoolyard bully Giles Cyzak twisted his arm behind his back, Delahoyde also admitted that it might all be hooey. (Delahoyde, upon getting his face shoved in the dirt, further admitted that he likes to kiss boys on the mouth and that he's a big fat stupidhead.)