How I won friends and influenced people

Truthfully, I thought Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People would be a potboiler of nonsense, a gilded sandwich of tripe, a colossal waste of time. Then I started reading him. And man, did it ever change my life. Basically, Carnegie's tips and techniques boil down to the Golden Rule, diplomacy, a bit of artfulness in conversation and social conventions, and a small spruce of charm. And it didn't take long before I started seeing how useful these techniques are in my own life as I tried them out on my wife, my employees, my evening comp class, and my IRS auditor.

New life: Here I be.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People: Tip 2. Give honest and sincere appreciation. 
"Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude...You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friedship that will be rose beacons..." (28).

ME: Johnson! Get in here!
JOHNSON: Sir?
ME: Johnson, I want you to know I noticed that you brought in the coffee filters for the machine. And I appreciate it. We all appreciate it.
JOHNSON: Well...thank you, sir!
ME: You're quite good at picking out coffee filters, aren't you?
JOHNSON: Well...I just grabbed a pack off the shelf...
ME: You think you'd be just as good at finishing all your filing by nine o'clock tonight?
JOHNSON: But...I was going to go to my son's hockey game...
ME: But you're such a dedicated worker, you're not going to! That's the spirit, Johnson!
JOHNSON: ...uh...
ME: Also, again, great filters. Mmm-boy. 

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People Tip 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want. 
"When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple helpings of it" (46).

ME: Tim! Hey, Tim!
TIM: Hey neighbor. What's up?
ME: Tim, I was wondering if I could borrow your lawnmower.
TIM: No, actually, you never return it in good condition.
ME: What about your daughter?
TIM: What do you mean? What about my daughter?
ME: You think I'd return her in good condition? If you know what I'm talking about?
TIM: Why you sick, twisted...
ME: Or I could just borrow your lawnmower.
TIM: (pause) I'll go get it.
ME: You've made a wise decision, Tim.
TIM: I want my spare key back.
ME: Mmm. Daughters.

Ways to Make People Like You Tip 6: Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely. 
"Never show others that you are not interested in what they have to say. "Little phrases such as 'I'm sorry to trouble you,' 'Would you be so kind as to...' 'Won't you please...'...little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life" (97).

STUDENT: And then, for our summer vacation, we traveled to Syria to help fight with the rebellion against Assad...
ME: <yawn>
STUDENT: Oh, am I boring you?
ME: No, not you. Just what you're saying.
STUDENT: Our lives were at risk...
ME: Won't you please, would you be so kind as to throw in some more action and violence into your story? I'm sorry to trouble you, but stop being so dull. 

Ways to Make People Like You Tip 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. 
"Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems" (88).

IRS REPRESENTATIVE: Sir, after going over your accounts, I can't find any records whatsoever of your ever having paid taxes.
ME: I see.
IRS: In fact, glancing at your signature, I have to say...you don't look like a Jose Amyratma.
ME: My grandmother was Dutch Portugese. But I say, you must get all kinds of strange names thrown at you, in a job like yours.
IRS: Yes, I do. But that's not the...
ME: I bet you get all kinds of crazy, interesting people to deal with, don't you? Strange people, strange stories...I bet you've just got the most fascinating job.
IRS: Uh...
ME: Tell you what. Before you haul me off to prison, why don't we crack open a bottle of wine and you tell me some accounting stories I bet your wife never heard.
IRS: (to cell phone) I'll be out of the office. Until Thanksgiving.

Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking Tip 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. 
"Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right...[One thing to keep in mind is] Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument" (112-115).

WIFE: I saw you coming out of that hotel with that blonde floozy! I saw you with my own eyes!
ME: Honey, I can see there's no way I can win this argument.
WIFE: You're damn right!
ME: So I'm going to go out drinking and think about what I've done.
WIFE: Good. I'm glad to see you feel badly about this.
ME: Oh, I do. I'll feel even more badly while eating the dinner you're going to cook while I'm gone.
WIFE: Yes, you will.
ME: Well, better get going. Linda doesn't like me to keep her waiting. (leaves)
WIFE: Showed him...

Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking Tip 11: Dramatize your ideas. 
"Merely stating a truth isn't enough. The truth has to be made vvid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention" (182).

KID IN ACADEMIC REVIEW BOARD MEETING: It's not fair I'm here. All I did was drop my pencil.
ME: (empties a 20-lb garbage sack of pencils over his head)
KID: OW! OWWW! The lead is stabbing my eye!
ME: Each of these pencils represents a person in my life who has let me down and ground all my hopes and dreams to dirt. (picks up pencil) This one...is you.
KID: Call a doctor! I'm bleeding!
ME: Now that I've got your attention, let's talk about your tardy two weeks ago...

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment Tip 12: Throw down a challenge. 
"That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes footraces and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance" (188-189).

ME: (to class) Your essays are due tomorrow.
CLASS: Awwww!
ME: Of course, that is a lot of work. For a bunch of pansies.
CLASS: Awwww!
ME: I'd better not assign this essay. I wouldn't want anyone to pansy out. Like a pansie would. Being all pansy-like.
CLASS: Awwww!

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment Tip 5: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. 
"Get the other person saying 'Yes, yes' at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying 'No'" (144).

ME: Honey, I'll be in Vegas this weekend. Big meeting with the bosses, you know?
WIFE: You're going off to see that floozy Linda! I know it!
ME: Honey, if I am, you know where I'll be. Vegas. Right?
WIFE: Yes...
ME: Now if I don't go to Vegas, and see Linda in another city, you won't know where, right?
WIFE: Yes...
ME: On the other hand, if I'm in Vegas, and I say I'm in Vegas, I'm telling the truth. Right?
WIFE: Yes...
ME: Then it's settled. I'm staying at the Flamingo, but don't call. Linda likes to sleep late. (pause) And there is no Linda.
WIFE: Ok then. Should I start dinner?