Transcript of media interview with Harrington von Picklestein, of Sweet Briar, Virginia
I'm glad we got a chance to sit down and sort this whole thing out. I know I probably should have come to the press sooner, like when that picture that libtard posted of me went viral and I had to take a leave of absence from my job at California Pizza Kitchen, but honestly, things have been totally oppressive lately. I mean, have you ever had to deal with a bunch of people throwing slurs and tweeting insults at you like I have? Have you ever felt threatened just because of who you are or what you look like? It was two days before I even had a chance to get to the gym, and I won't even get into what my humanities professor think of me now. (She's a lesbian, I think.)
But that's all past. So now, I'd like to tell you, the fake media, and the rest of the country, which may or may not be real, what actually happened last weekend in Charlottesville.
Yes, I'm a white guy and yes, I was in the Friday night rally, and yes, I was carrying a torch. But it's not what you think. I'm one of the good people.
See, I was in Home Depot with some buddies and we were looking for Tiki Torches. Our house has a wicked bad mosquito problem ever since Eddie threw that beer keg out the window and our dick landlord refused to fix it until we pay our security deposit. Which was totally oppressive. I mean, right? So Eddie and I are looking for torches when Sam, Gerard and Hunter all show up talking about going on the streets. I mean, I thought they said it was all about "bright stride" or "height wide," not white pride. Right? So I'm like, Yeah, I'm all about striding brightly, so we paid for the torches and jumped in the pickup.
And there I am in the streets with what looked to me like a bunch of innocent, typically American people carrying torches and singing songs. How much more apple pie can you get? Honestly, I thought they were saying "Hugh will not encase us!" Hugh! Not "Jew!" I asked Eddie who Hugh was and he didn't know, but it sounded like an Anglo name to me, so I figured it was probably totally kosher.
Okay, here's where it gets really crazy. So there were way more people there than I thought would be, and when I started seeing the flags, I thought (this'll kill you) they were bringing back The Dukes of Hazzard! Right? Remember the old car? And the "Yeeee-hah!" when they went over a ramp or something? My brother used to play me clips of those shows off Youtube, and we'd pretend to be Bo and Luke running from some asshole sherrif, and we'd find some neighborhood skank to play Daisy. Good times. Anyway, I just thought they'd taken the logo from the General Lee, run it off at Kinko's and made it into a retro thing or something. I had no idea it was being used for political purposes.
Same thing with the Nazi flags. Who the hell just has a Nazi flag lying around anyway? It's just not worth the hassle. You'd have to order those special, since most stores might have to disclose purchase orders of Nazi memorabilia because of the Patriot Act and other oppressive Deep State agencies just looking for an excuse to bust you for exercising your First Amendment rights, and it only got worse under that commie Obama, so you've got to get a fake alias and a zombie credit card, reroute the purchase a few times so they can't track you down...
I mean, that's what I've heard.
Look, I don't know much about it, but this whole protest thing I saw by accident is all incredibly way more complex than people are giving it credit for being. There's a history in this state, and even though the secessionists originally behind the Confederate Flag were actively trying to subjugate an entire race of people and were willing to commit treason against the nation in order to do so, that doesn't mean they were all bad secessionists. They paid taxes (until they seceded), they were nice to their neighbors (as long as they weren't, you know, slaves), and they petted and fed their dogs just like you and me. Maybe even more so, since those dogs probably had to hunt down slaves. And the people in last weekend's rally, they're the same! I even saw one of them petting a dog. The dog's name was Sparks, and he looked like a really good dog.
So, to recap: a bunch of non-racist guys go out for non-racist mosquito repellent and some innocent fun, and suddenly get branded white supremacists by the fake media and everyone else who only know that I was at a white supremacist rally and don't know any other details about me, like my hair color or my father's connections. Typical, right? And now I've got a manager at work who wants to talk to me about my conduct on the job, and people giving me the stink eye on campus, and just absolutely ridiculous treatment. I don't know the exact word for what I'm going through here (I'm a finance major), but it's like when you find yourself unjustly or cruelly treated by others based on totally arbitrary factors about you.
And I'm still feeling the effects. Yesterday, that twat Stephanie said we couldn't go out any more, which sucks because I was about two Jaegar Bombs away from getting into her pants. But whatever. I can take it. At least until Brittany comes to town. She's been in Anchorage, and I don't think they have WiFi there so I should be cool.
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